AuthenticWoman

As you all know, I've been trying lose some weight. I cut out biccies and sweeties, and also halved my sugar intake in my tea.

I needed to lose 10lbs and get down to a target weight of 9st. I have a very small frame, and I am only 5'4 so 9st is reasonable for me.

I know I'm gonna get loads of comments about wishing to be 9st etc etc but you have to realise that when I married my husband I was a pound shy of 8st so this has been a real issue for me. And I put on weight to get married - when I moved to Scotland I was 7.5 st.

Yeah - that was way to skinny and I realise that now. I had a problem - was convinced I was huge and berated myself for eating more than a vol-au-vent at a party.

Anyway - that's history.

I have now finally reached my target weight, and it was a struggle. So many years later and I have found I do actually like my food and have rather a sweet tooth!

I am floating between 8/13 and 9/0 right now, and that confuses me, because Mum has been up to stay and she very much likes her food. We have eaten huge lunches out, big dinners, sweeties every night, biscuits, cakes. All the things I cut out of my diet to start with.

Am I gonna wake up one morning 20stones do you reckon?

I have been thinking I have been eating WAY too many calories for my size, and so I looked up how many calories and grams of fat (a guideline) I should consume daily.

I have discovered that I should be having between 1050 and 1300 calories per day to achieve weight loss. To maintain my weight I should have up to 1500. Doesn't sound much does it?

Except we are already at 5.30 pm and I have only consumed 918 calories and that includes my evening meal.

And apparently I can have up to 65g of fat. Surely not? Isn't that a HUGE amount of fat? I've had 23.3 grams so far.

Hmm. I haven't added my milk intake, but it is semi skimmed so that is only 47 calories per 100ml.

I guess it all adds up.

In other news, a pal of mine said I look like I've lost loads of weight and I'm looking "right skinny". She's being flattering, but it was nice anyway

Can you hear that??

That is the sound of a 150g family bar of Galaxy chocolate whispering temptation to me from the fridge door.

Well, after both exercising hard and denying myself my favorite foods in favour of fruit, I am totally gutted to report a complete non-mover in the weight loss department.

Nothing. Not a fucking ounce.

I am totally gutted.

I know everyone said that after 40 it would be harder to both get and keep the weight off.

I know everyone said that getting sterilised would add pounds.

I don't care what everyone fucking knows. *I* know I need to lose weight and it is a struggle every step of the way.

Yeah, I am enjoying the gym. Loving it, actually. But I still expect to lose some weight after the sweat and tears.

It never *used* to be this hard.

I went to the gym this morning. I've not been for a while and I know it. I can feel my muscles seizing (seizeing?) up.

Each morning and evening I do 20 situp thingies, 20 crushes, 20 pushups and a small yoga routine. It isn't enough.

Today when I hit the gym, I programmed in a hard-ish programme on the cross trainer (my fave machine) for 30 minutes. After 12 minutes I thought I was gonna die. I pushed thru it though and hit the burn and - wow! - what a feeling. God, I missed those endorphins SO much! By the time I was up to 20 minutes I was feeling ecstatic and smiling away to myself, eyes closed, listening to my MP3 player and just thrilling with the power of my body ... pushing the limits.

I then did some weights - the home stuff is obviously working because I was able to lift heavier weights and do more reps than I did the last time I was there. All very encouraging and I really want to go back tomorrow, but know that if I start going every day I shall become obsessed again, and that is not a good thing.

I'm sooooo hungry.

Well, I know I pretty much had a skinful on Saturday night, but I didn't expect it to turn into poundage already. Which means I fully expect next weeks scales to be rather less forgiving than today's, having told me one of the pounds I had lost has found it's way home. Little fucker.

I am totally gutted.

I am sitting here, drinking my tea, thinking of all the other things I can cut out of my diet. What the hell is left? Perhaps smaller portions is the way to go, but - christ - I am already starving by the time the next meal comes along. Hmm, I guess less hungry between meals than I was when I started the diet, so perhaps my stomach needs to shrink a bit more.

I could always knock my half a sugar in my tea down to a quarter. Or maybe drink fewer cups - drink water instead ... that is bound to be better for me as well. Just not so much damn fun.

Why the hell can't chocolate be better for you than freakin apples?

It is vaguely alarming when you are invited to a 70s/80s fancy dress party and you can walk straight to your own, everyday, wardrobe and pick out three outfits straight off.

I have been smiling to myself about diets.

So many people have been feeling a bit sorry for me being hungry all the time, and have been advising me to drink water to help stave off the hunger.

Well, that is a fab idea, except half the time, my 'hunger' isn't real hunger. It is pure greed. I want that sweetie! I want that biscuit! It is the sugar craving more than the hunger that is so hard for me.

I woke this morning feeling slim. I'm no slimmer than I was yesterday, but the bulk of me seems to have shrunk in the night. Some sort of psychological barrier, perhaps. My belt is still on the same notch!

I walked up the drive to the bin this morning. The sun was splitting the sky, belting down like an oven door was open (I was out of the wind). I stood with my face upturned towards the sun, my arms akimbo, my palms open to the warmth. I could feel the rays of the sun soaking into my aura and warming my soul, feeding my own light. The kids ran out of the house and stood beside me, eyes closed, faces upturned, hands open to the light. Then the school bus drove past. The driver must think we are weird pagan type sun worshippers I feel grounded, and floaty at the same time.

I made the mistake of weighing myself the other afternoon. Normally I weigh myself straight after my bath in the morning, before breakfast, before getting dressed. The afternoon weigh-in - I was fully clothed and had just eaten a large meal. Big mistake. I was convinced I had spent the whole week starving and lost nothing.

The good news is - I was wrong. I have lost 2lbs. Yay me! I do *feel* lighter. My clothes don't particularly feel less tight, though. Probably because they were all too tight, or elasticated

At the weekend, we swapped Rachel's bed into Laura's room because it was the top half of the bunkbeds, and we had decided to build them back up in Laura's room. Rachel got Laura's bed, and I got my office back, because the bottom of the bunks was taking up space in here. My office is now back to being a lovely size with patio windows now clear. We couldn't open the floor length curtains very well because the bed was in the way.

Rachel is upset because she can't get her teddies on her bed anymore. She used to have bars all round, being the top bunk, and her teddies didn't fall off. Not so now. She has a 'proper' bed in there.

Laura is upset because she feels enclosed and she can't get her pictures up on her wall. However, her teddies now have their very own bed - the top bunk.

Anthony is upset because he wanted the bunks in his room. Unfortunately, he has a double bed that is too big to go into either of the girls rooms. It is also WAY too good a bed to get rid of. It cost me £500 and is the best sleep in the house.

Anyway, the house looks like a bomb has hit it, so my job today is to try and get some order back into the chaos.